Yes, I know I’m not the only parent that sees that look in their child’s eyes and then the questions begin. My son hasn’t seen his “Dad” and I use that term loosely, in 10 years. One of the last times he seen him, my son was in the hospital and had a Brain Tumor Resection, my son was 3 years old at the time. It’s hard enough to find out at the age of 3, that you have a brain tumor, have to have surgery, radiation, and other treatments and then at the same time deal with you the fact that your Father may not be around long.
It was a little bit to much reality for his “Dad” to deal with so he just avoided it all together. Which in all reality was the best thing that he could have done at the time for my son. I remember asking him to watch my son so I could go get something to eat. I explained that he had to watch my son so that he didn’t unwrap his hands which where wrapped to boards so that he couldn’t remove his IV’s that he had at the time. I went to eat and came back, first thing I notice is his “dad” watching the “Simpson’s” and my son’s arms are unwrapped and he was tugging at his IV’s. I have to say that having my son have surgery, being in the PICU unit, not knowing what was going to go on, was enough to handle, without him not watching my son for the 20 minutes I was gone. His dad left when I got back to the room, he of course saw the daggers that were coming out of my eyes in his direction, as I wrapped up my son’s arms again.
It was a short time later, he told me that “I can’t handle this, it’s to much reality!” My response was “Do what you do best, run away and I will do what I always do, take care of my child.” He was gone, he did help out again at my son’s benefit that we had, I believe it was more because of his parents, that he did. In reality, it didn’t matter, I needed a pair of hands and he was there. It wasn’t long after that he was gone again, this time it was permanent.
It is not like I tried to keep him out of my son’s life. When my son had his Make-A-Wish trip he went along. I was very leery about having him go, however, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I should have went with my gut feeling and took someone else like I was going to originally going to do. Why??? We arrived in Florida for my son’s trip and when we went to load the van, he stated he pulled his back putting the stroller in the van. That he had to go lay down, and he wasn’t going to go with us. So I ended up taking the kids by myself for the first day. I had already arranged for a friend to come our second day there till the day we left “just in case”. My son’s “Dad” did not come with us for 5 of the 7 day vacation.
I did find out from the hotel staff that while we were gone that he did go and do activities on his own. Things he could not have done if he “pulled his back”. He did finally go the last two days to the parks with us. Those were of course because he wanted to see Sea World, MGM studios, and Universal Studios. Those of course were because they had attractions that he wanted to get photo’s by. Then when we came home he disappeared again.
My son has a couple of photo’s that are of him and his “dad”, a total of max 5 photos in his 13 years of life. My son does look at those photo’s from time to time, then the questions start to come about where is he. In reality, I want to say to my son, “Your “dad” is an immature, a festering puss bubble on the butt of life, that owes you over $30,000 in child support because he thinks your raised on air.” When I answer his question I say “I’m not sure buddy, he moves around a lot and I don’t know how to find him.” then I also tell him “You have a DAD, and he loves you very much and would move heaven and earth for you.”
That never seems to be enough, he continues with the questions about him. I answer them the best that I can. It’s never easy, but those are the only answers that I have for him. I do of course know I can find him on Social Media, and I have, but his “dad” has made it clear that he is not going to be in his life. So at this point there is no reason to contact him. I just wish sometimes that his “dad” would grow up and realize how amazing my son is. However, it’s really just not worth the pain that could come along with letting him back into my son’s life again. Not to mention that I seriously doubt that it would ever happen, that he would want to be apart of his life.
It’s a very hard subject to talk with your child about, and to see those little eyes looking at you for answers. My son is so beyond lucky to have a Dad in his life that thinks he hung the moon. He is not his biological father, but he is his Dad and has been the past 10 years. It takes a real man or women to step in and raise a child as if they are their biological parent.
I am honest with my son as I am with my other children, it’s not always things that they want to hear. However, I feel that the world is sometimes a rough place, and “candy coating” things they need to know is not going to help them in the long run. I know I have many more years of these questions from my son. I’m wondering how you handle this situation in your home. Do you tip toe around the subject when your child asks? Do you answer their questions the best that you can? Do they no longer ask about their parent? What seems to work best for your child?